Flamingo Fun by Sam Smith

The Exotic Burger Van was fantastic. I’m really disappointed that it got shut down. It was run by this old guy who used to wear a blue hairnet over a backwards cap and had a face like a bulldog with stinging nettles in his mouth. He carried a gun tucked in the back of his trousers, the silver handle poking out whenever he turned around to put a burger on the incredibly dangerous looking grill. He didn’t speak much. I always tried to start a conversation, because he seemed pretty interesting, but all I ever heard him say was, “Onions?” His name might have been Gareth.

The small white trailer was always in the same place, at the back of the Homebase/Halfords car park. It never moved. There was an old Ford Mondeo attached to it, but I think Gareth just used to sleep in it. The sign on top of the van read “The Exotic Burger Van” in red block capital letters on a background of jungle leaves. Under the small counter where Gareth would lean out and hand you the food, there was a crude painting of a snake eating a burger made of its own still-attached tail. Thinking about it, that was pretty weird.

But the burgers! They were incredible! The first time I went there was a total accident. I was walking home at six in the morning after camping with a few friends and I was desperately hungry. I smelt the meat on the air and almost magically ended up in front on The Exotic Burger Van. I looked up at the whiteboard menu. Every burger was made of some ridiculous animal. Hippo, kangaroo, shark, it all sounded crazy. I couldn’t see just a regular hamburger and was a bit put off, but I was far too hungry to move from that spot. I ordered a flamingo burger, expecting it to be kind of like a chicken burger from KFC. It wasn’t. It was so much better. It was like eating the hand of God. I cried a little as I ate it.

I thought I might just have still been a little stoned from the night before, so the next day I came back to The Exotic Burger Van and got another flamingo burger. Again, it was absolutely amazing. For the few months, I came back every day and got a weird burger. I couldn’t be happier about my choice. There was doubt in my mind that the burgers were actually made from what they called. As if Gareth could actually get his hands on grizzly bear meat through some shady dealings to feed it to the hungry people of Bristol. Honestly though, I didn’t care. I just kept eating them.

When I found out that Gareth had been arrested for poaching wildlife from the Longleat safari park, I did feel a bit bad, but mostly I was just mad that Gareth got caught. I broke into The Exotic Burger Van, but it had already been emptied by the police. Where am I supposed to get my fix of stupid animals now? I can’t go back to eating beef and pork. It’s just not the same.