There’s no easy way to say this. I guess you’ll think I’m being a coward, doing this through a letter and not to your face. I guess you’d be right. But the truth is, I love you, and I think seeing your face crumple with disappointment and regret would just about break my heart.
I’ve had a relapse, and I need to leave town for a while. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, at least until they stop showing the pictures on the news. Please don’t be too cross with me. I couldn’t help myself, I just lost control. You know what it’s like. I know we said we’d try mainstreaming for a while, see how it works out, and I did try, Joe, I really did. And we had a good run, didn’t we? Five or so months, that’s something to be proud of. But you’re a stronger person than I am. You don’t give in to the temptation, you’re able to swallow it down like a bitter pill and just forget all about it. But it doesn’t work that way for me. I can’t swallow the pill. It just sits in my mouth, burning a hole through my tongue.
I’m sorry Joe. I know nothing I say will make this any better. And I’m sorry to ask this of you again, but there’s something I need you to do for me. If you love me, you’ll put all the frustration you feel aside, and you’ll do it. And I know you will. Because we love each other, don’t we?
There’s a body in a bin bag under the porch. I need you to get rid of it. Burn it, bury it, chuck it in the river, I don’t care. But please, Joe – please do this for me. I would’ve done it myself, only I didn’t leave enough time. I guess I’m out of practice, ha! Sorry, that’s not funny. But I’d do it for you, Joe, you know I would.
I’ve got to go, now. I’ll ring you in a few days, I’ll find us somewhere safe where we can be together. Don’t try to ring me, I’m not taking a phone. I’ll find a box somewhere and use that. Be careful, Joe. I’ll see you soon. I love you.
Lucy x
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