The first time I tried out my now-patented ‘cheeky wink’, I came away with a burning week. It turns out nuns aren’t particularly tolerant of flirtation.
Still, this experience didn’t put me off, and I began to practice my wink every day in front of the mirror.
“Hey, good looking,” I would say to myself, and then I would wink and toss my hair.
It’s a fool-proof tool any man should use if he wants to get laid.
Of course, it hasn’t worked yet, but I remain cheerfully optimistic.
Showing posts with label Cheeky Wink. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cheeky Wink. Show all posts
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Cheeky Wink by Sam Smith
The day the Sun started to die was anti-climactic. No one noticed. Sort of like when people get a weird disease or something, they don’t really think about it. They might be a bit off, maybe they don’t even feel any different than the day before, but they have begun to properly die. Not the silly dying that pessimistic people constantly go on about that begins at birth. We already knew that being alive means we’re going to die. They’re mentioning it because they only just realised that and think it’s deep and might get them laid. The real catalyst for our death is subtle, like it was with the Sun.
A little flicker. That was it. For a split second, the Sun didn’t project rays of light through our solar system. It took eight minutes for this neglect to reach us, and we didn’t bat an eyelid. I didn’t see it. I think it was cloudy that day. People in California or India might have had a better chance of seeing the flicker, but it wasn’t reported. Maybe a bird flew above them. Maybe they were wearing sunglasses. Maybe they didn’t notice.
It started happening frequently in the following months, which was when we started to find it disturbing. Like a suffering light bulb, the Sun flipped from light to dark in several instants. A bright day interrupted by tiny moments of complete darkness. Scientists had ideas, and they were predominantly right, although they kept looking for a different excuse. A religious leader was quoted as saying it was just a cheeky wink from God. This enraged some people for the trivialisation of the situation and enraged others for the inanity of that statement. Mostly, we just worried.
Lampposts were left on all through the day so people could still see through the flickers. Drivers were advised to constantly have their headlights on. Torches were carried in handbags and backpacks, just in case. Every time the Sun went dark, the same thought flashed through our collective minds. What if it doesn’t fire up again?
We accepted our fate. A new ice age was predicted because all the time the oceans weren’t heated was adding up. People started stocking up on woolly coats and hardhats with lamps on the front. Feeling safe while being alive is important. Some found assurance in religion or technology. I found comfort in inevitability.
The Sun went out and soon so did we.
A little flicker. That was it. For a split second, the Sun didn’t project rays of light through our solar system. It took eight minutes for this neglect to reach us, and we didn’t bat an eyelid. I didn’t see it. I think it was cloudy that day. People in California or India might have had a better chance of seeing the flicker, but it wasn’t reported. Maybe a bird flew above them. Maybe they were wearing sunglasses. Maybe they didn’t notice.
It started happening frequently in the following months, which was when we started to find it disturbing. Like a suffering light bulb, the Sun flipped from light to dark in several instants. A bright day interrupted by tiny moments of complete darkness. Scientists had ideas, and they were predominantly right, although they kept looking for a different excuse. A religious leader was quoted as saying it was just a cheeky wink from God. This enraged some people for the trivialisation of the situation and enraged others for the inanity of that statement. Mostly, we just worried.
Lampposts were left on all through the day so people could still see through the flickers. Drivers were advised to constantly have their headlights on. Torches were carried in handbags and backpacks, just in case. Every time the Sun went dark, the same thought flashed through our collective minds. What if it doesn’t fire up again?
We accepted our fate. A new ice age was predicted because all the time the oceans weren’t heated was adding up. People started stocking up on woolly coats and hardhats with lamps on the front. Feeling safe while being alive is important. Some found assurance in religion or technology. I found comfort in inevitability.
The Sun went out and soon so did we.
Cheeky Wink by Lesley Whyte
I've never really had a way with women. Well, I had a way with them, but it wasn't a good one. That sounds creepier than it was meant to. I've always seemed to have this habit of upsetting women. It didn't matter what I said, they'd react terribly.
Just the other week, I was in a bar and told this woman that she had loo roll stuck to her shoe. I thought she'd be grateful, she was dressed up real nice and I figured she'd be embarrassed if one of her friends or her boyfriend noticed. She slapped me.
That happens a lot. I've never understood why. And then, I was telling my friend that story, and he asked if I did that thing I do. I didn't know what he was talking about. Turns out I have a nervous twitch, it looks like a cheeky wink. No wonder women were creeped out when I talked to them.
Just the other week, I was in a bar and told this woman that she had loo roll stuck to her shoe. I thought she'd be grateful, she was dressed up real nice and I figured she'd be embarrassed if one of her friends or her boyfriend noticed. She slapped me.
That happens a lot. I've never understood why. And then, I was telling my friend that story, and he asked if I did that thing I do. I didn't know what he was talking about. Turns out I have a nervous twitch, it looks like a cheeky wink. No wonder women were creeped out when I talked to them.
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