Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Janie's Got a Gun by Ben Hayward

"Today I was told that I took out some body insurance. It's not like health insurance or life insurance, it's for my own vanity, like a patent or some-shit."
"A patent implies that you own the rights to something like legs."
"Yeah... Well I did say someshit, dickhead."
"What exactly does body insurance give you?"
"Well let's assume I get some hideous disfiguring injury, the company will pay me to um..."
"Recover? Isn't that health insurance?"
"No, the man said that it's a bit more like a get-well present."
"You mean like a reward for GBH?"
"No, well yes, but well..."
"He was very persuasive, I assume?"
"In more ways than one."
"Um ok, thanks for that."
"Moving swiftly on from that, surely with this body insurance people will be tempted to abuse it."
"Abuse?"
"Mistreat, act without thought. What I mean is that some more suicidal people might want to use the payout as an extra way to get cash."
"ah, there was a decoration."
"decoration?"
"You know a signy thing."
"A declaration, what did it say?"
"Something along the lines of 'do you plan on killing yourself?'"
"Well surely most people are going to deny that with the prospect of extra money on the horizon?"
“I guess...”
“Did you read the terms and conditions etcetera.”
“I thought it was pretty clear.”
“So what do you have to do to get the money?”
“Well I have to be involved in an accident in the last five years either at home or at work that wasn't my fault.”
“That sounds a bit too familiar...”
“Yeah I saw them on the telly.”
“On what channel?”
“The shopping one. The one with the jewellery.”
“Ok, have you written down their number somewhere?”
“I've got them on my call history, why?”
“Ok, Kate, I need you to ring them back and cancel it with them.”
“I can't do that.”
“Why?”
“Well I've given them my bank details”
“You know where the motorway is then.”



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