He Said He Loved Me by Sara Travis

When I look back on that night, I don’t really think there’s anything I’d do differently. It all went as I could expect. I mean, okay, sure – it probably would have been better if I’d tidied up a bit afterwards. I didn’t really think about that at the time, but yeah … that might have helped. Or, like, if I’d been a bit quieter. You know, during. Yeah. But no, I think, considering the circumstances, it all went alright. Not to plan, exactly, but … alright.

I mean, it was his own fault. If he hadn’t opened his mouth, none of it would have happened. At least, you know, it wouldn’t have happened the way it did. We were just hanging out, you know? We were just … enjoying each other’s company. Eating ice cream on the couch. I had Baked Alaska, he had Phish Food. I’ve always hated Phish Food, it’s far too rich, don’t you think? So yeah, anyway, we were just … happy. And I’d like the record to show that I’d told him at the beginning that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I’d told him I wanted to keep it casual. And he said he was fine with that. He said we’d take it slow, you know, we wouldn’t rush anything. We’d let it develop, that’s what he said. And I never said anything cos, you know, I didn’t want to … dash his hopes or anything. But I had no intention of letting anything develop. Like I said, I wasn’t looking for anything serious. 

But he had other plans, see. And surely, if you’ve thought about stuff like this a lot, you know, thought it through and everything, surely you might think about maybe letting the other person know? Before it’s too late? So we’re sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, and out of nowhere he starts blurting out all this mush. And I’m like, ‘Woah, easy there,’ and he’s like, ‘No, but listen,’ and I’m like, ‘I know where this is going, don’t do it,’ and he fucking does it, doesn’t he? I mean, what was I supposed to do? 

So he’s spewing all this stuff, and it’s getting harder for me to get a word in edge ways, and then finally, when I think it can’t go on much longer, I mean … it gets bad. It gets really bad. 

He pulled out a ring, Officer. He said he loved me, and he pulled out a ring. Well, I panicked. Wouldn’t you? I just didn’t think straight, I couldn’t get my head to focus, I panicked. I – and I’m not proud of it, I’m not proud at all, but I grabbed the poker next to the fireplace and I just … I just started bashing him. I was angry, you understand that, don’t you? He’d humiliated me. I’d told him it wasn’t gonna be long-term, he did know. He did. I guess something just flipped in my head. Like a switch. Click. And that was that. I just bashed his head in. It made a right mess, I can tell you. Well, you’ve seen the photos, haven’t you? You know. 

I guess that’s all of it. But I am sorry, you know. I am sorry. I wish I’d never met the guy. I wouldn’t be where I am now, would I?